Category Archives: Esquire.

ESQUIRE: Lost In Star Space Trek Wars.

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FADE IN:

SCROLLING ACROSS THE SCREEN:

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, her continuing mission, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where seven strangers picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped to find out when people stop being polite and start getting real, so join us here each week, my friends, you’re sure to get a smile, from seven stranded castaways, here on…

STAR WARS

 Episode MCMVMNOPRW

Lost in Star Space Trek Wars

 

CUT TO:

EXT. STARSHIP – NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT of some sort of futuristic-looking, very-large starship — not to be confused in any way, shape, or form with any other futuristic-looking, very-large starships, because this is the long ago and far, far away, and the entire enterprise (in lowercase, and thus not trademarked) is being produced by Disney, not Paramount. Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: What Not To Name the Kanye West Kim Kardashian Baby.

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In light of the much-talked-about news of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s impending baby — and the delicate act of famous people naming their babies — here is a suggested list of fifty names the couple would be wise to avoid.

Tree Kardashian-West

Altoid Kardashian-West

Toothpick Kardashian-West

Splenda Kardashian-West

Lint Kardashian-West

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ESQUIRE: The Best-Dressed Candidates on the Campaign Trail.

 

Back in 2003, California Representative Linda Sanchez decried the fact that voters drew so much attention to what the female candidates were wearing, telling the Los Angeles Times that many of her male counterparts in Washington wore “awful suits” and “look like they combed their hair with a fork and nobody says anything about their appearance.” For the most part, she’s right, but not entirely: Across the country, as men fight for seats in Congress and for other posts in our fine government, some among them (like New Mexico’s Martin Heinrich, above) have actually exhibited some level of personal style beyond a dark suit and red or blue tie. Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: The Search for Great White Pants.

There are times, during the summer months, when we board onto jitneys and pile into cars, our tote bags chocked to the brim with beach towels and swimsuits and flip-flops (and allergy medications, and highly SPF’ed sun-ointments), and soon — traffic allowing — find ourselves in exotic lands of Arcadian pastoralism and poolside cocktails and alarmingly large mosquitoes, with not an ambulance siren or swerving taxi cab or slow-walking gaggle of horizontally-flanked foreign-tourist-pedestrians-in-matching-backpacks to keep us agog. Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: A Macroware TK for All!

Macroware. Remember us? We’re the software corporation from long, long ago (i.e., the 1980s and ’90s) that brought you our ingenious Portholes Operating System, followed shortly thereafter by Portholes 2, Portholes 2.1, Portholes 3, Portholes 3.1, and Portholes DW (Doesn’t Work edition), which were all tremendously popular before a certain group of upstarts from a Cupertino-based software-company-that-shan’t-be-mentioned started cornering the market with devices that, quite frankly, looked like ridiculously large jelly beans. Well, we’re at it again, and this time, we have the tablet-like computer-thing that everybody’s talking about! Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: A Summer Shopping Checklist.

That placid, be-chino’ed stretch of weekends between Memorial and Labor Days (some may call it summer) is finally upon us. In many ways, these months are all about simplicity and comfort, and the season officially starts for me in the simplest fashion, when I trek to American Apparel (despite knowing that look you’re giving me through the computer screen). Once there, I purchase a heaping stack of their white, crewneck, cotton t-shirts, to replace the bunch that were over-washed and over-worn, ripped, torn, and bleached, over the past year. The new ones will be used in the same way the old ones were: worn with a pair of jeans, or under a sweater, as to create that “I just threw on a t-shirt” look. Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: How To Blow Your Tax Refund In Style.

With tax season finally drawing to a close, we enter that peculiar time of year when many a working man — especially those not in the writerly professions — receive some sort of reward from Uncle Sam for the onerous task of accounting financially for the past twelve months (i.e., we get a tax refund). In the past, a nice bottle of Barolo, a new pair of running shoes, perhaps even an iSomething might have tided us over for another fiscal year, while the rest of our gelt was squirreled away into low-yield savings accounts, if not a hollowed-out mattress. But as the economy thawed, and with the Dow hovering around the 13,000 mark, it’s time to consider loosening the death grip that previously held those purse strings. Once you’ve done that, the question quickly becomes: What should a stylish man do with that extra spot of money? Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: The Anchorman Games.

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN DIEGO CITY COUNCIL, THE DISTANT FUTURE — DAY

We see a large, outdoor arena. The ANNOUNCER’s voice comes over the public-address system.

ANNOUNCER

Welcome to the first annual Anchorman Games, a competition we stole from a book we haven’t actually read, so there will be some liberties taken with names, places, and concepts herein. As you know, a boy and a girl have been selected from the 12 districts of some long-ago-forgotten land called North America. And San Diego. Funny how that works. Representing the San Diego district will be Anchorman Ron Burgundy and Anchorwoman Veronica Corningstone.

RON BURGUNDY, anchorman of yesteryear, and his trusty dog, BAXTER, appear at a podium. VERONICA CORNINGSTONE is at their side. Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: The Leaked Facebook Memo.

Our Dear and Beloved Comrades!

Salutations to each of you! You might have heard yesterday’s news about our company, the great and munificent Face-Book! Early in the day, representatives from our business office met with the DJIA — along with the IMF, ICM, CAA, LOL, ROTFL, LMAO, and the New York Health & Racquet Club — and we all reached the same conclusion: The time has come, after eight long and arduous yet glorious years, for us to offer, publicly and initially, an Initial Public Offering, henceforth to be abbreviated SIW (Suck It, Winklevosses).

Some within the Face-Book family may bemoan such a decision. The naysayers, as naysayers so often do, may say nay. And they may bemoan, too, like the bemoaners. We are a Silicon Valley company, after all, located in humble, downtown Menlo Park. I, our all-knowing leader, wear New Balances. How could we possibly be worth so much? Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: Welcome to Awesomebook™!

Welcome to Awesomebook™, the social networking site that’s just awesome! We’re excited to be rolling out the new and improved site, Awesomebook Pro Plus Plus Pro Plus™, with upgraded features to help you experience our awesome online world of engaging with friends and making new ones.

You’ll soon realize that our site is more than just awesome. It will feng shui your living room. It can bake the perfect flan. It is the Aleph. It has been known to cause seizures in 14- to 16-year-olds. Now, one simple (yet awesome) Web site keeps track of the music you enjoy, the books you read, the movies you watch, and all the thoughts you have. Because this time, it’s the awesomest version of Awesomebook ever! Read more at Esquire.

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ESQUIRE: Science in the Seams.

When I first started playing soccer in the early ’90s, my father used to tell me stories about his teenage league football in ’50s Manchester. Back then, they practiced with a soccer ball made of real leather, which, when waterlogged with Northern England’s mud and ice, became so heavy that it could break ribs.

From Esquire‘s Spring/Summer 2011 Big Black Book. Read more here, or purchase here.

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